Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Randomize
