he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
