The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
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