i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Randomize
