About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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