I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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