His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
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