Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Randomize
