Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Will exercising make me less horny?
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
