Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
