what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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