oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
