An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
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