I hate your face
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Randomize
