you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
