it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
Randomize
