I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
