I think I won the penis lottery.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
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