I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
