So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Randomize