you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Randomize
