Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
