just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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