I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Randomize
