can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
