Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
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