i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
