So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
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