My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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