If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
