and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
