You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Randomize
