insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
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