The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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