1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
