What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
