Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
