I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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