Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
