I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
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