I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
there's paper in my vomit.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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