I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
