Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
