i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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