Tell her she can't have a vagina
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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