They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
