she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
then he tried to convert me to islam
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Randomize
