I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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