Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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