wrigley field is MILF paradise
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Randomize
