Swine flu. Run for my life!
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
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