the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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