My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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