Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Randomize
