ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Randomize
