mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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