great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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