it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
