I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
